i’ve been through just too much . i’ve only been living for 14 years , and i feel like i’ve already been through enough crap for the rest of my life . nothing can make me feel better and i’m not even going to try , keepin’ a fake smile on my face gets way too hard these days , i always need to watch what i am doing , i’m always limited on so much freedom , and i’m always suspended from so many priorities . yeah , i’ve been good with dealing with random crap for awhile , but then today i totally collapsed . knees became weak and uncontrollable tears ran down my face . i know my parents are sacrificing so much , i know and i still don’t try my best . what kind of horrible daughter am i ? i let everything out on my mother , and later on I regret it so deeply , but it’s unfathomable why I cannot control my anger and feelings . I’m truly sorry for all the crap I put my family through , and it makes my heart break that I am too weak to do anything for us at this time . I’ve been lacking self esteem and confidence , been weak mentally but most importantly , physically . I still haven’t recovered from the thing I’ve been suffering for months now , and now that my mentality deteriorate , my body becomes even more damaged . I feel so little , not able to do anything much at all . but at the same time , if only I tried harder and got all my crap straight , I can give so much to my family . because that’s just who they are , my parents . stupid people that rely on me . stupid people that would sacrifice anything and everything just for someone as miserable as me . and I feel so horrid knowing the fact and still being able to do all the disgusting stuff I do to them . I really don’t think I’ve ever cried this much for nothing . I guess you can just call it puberty , one time thing , but it’s going to bother me forever . I know I need to fix so much crap in my life , but I just can’t . I know I can , but I don’t try .
I’ve also been lacking faith in God . I know He is always there for me , each week , the readings and the Gospels always stick out to me , He calls to me , that if I need His help , He’d always be here . He always says count on me , talk to me , pray to me , vent to me . You can reach me anywhere at anytime . but I refuse His mighty helping hand , and decide I am strong enough to pull through all this . when in reality , I cannot help myself with anything at all but trust in the LORD and talk to Him . I never feel like it is the right time , and even when I do start a prayer , I’d be lost , speechless , not knowing what to tell him . sometimes I even wonder , why would God do this to me ? out of all the other people that’s done much more horrible stuff than i , why am I the one that deserve this much consequences ? I realize everything does happen for a specific reason , and that is the only reason I’m holding on to life . through the deep dark tunnel of trouble , at some point in life , I would reach the end of the tunnel and see the warm , bright sunlight .
I really hope that I can get myself straight , be the strong Yen Lee again , and not worry others . and I really appreciate all the wonderful people who’s been with me through everything , even though I may not tell you much , and I’d like to keep lots to myself , know that you guys are the first people I’d contact if anything happened . and I know I can count on you .
And I bet nothing about this made sense , I just felt like whatever came to my mind . thanks tumblr for allowing me for some venting .